My Life
by caylender
Summary: Raph has had to endure many hardships in his life. He has made many mistakes. His chance at happiness and love is crushed. Can he forgive the one responsible for his misery and in turn be forgiven? Raph's point of view. R


Alright, this fic is a combination of present mixed with the past. The italics is a direct scene from a flashback. Raph is kinda soft in this one. Melanie is based off of my friend Melanie.

Disclaimer: I own no turtles or Melanie

Dedicated to Melanie.

-----

It is my fault, all my fault. Why am I so stupid? All because of me my one reason for living is gone, my Melanie.

I stare down at the red ground. And Leo, that's my fault, too. I know most of the things that aren't right are my fault. All the wrong is my doing. Why did I have to go ruin the only good in my life?

It all started with the fight that stupid fight. Leo and I always fight. It's like our second nature, but this one was different. We both were more serious then we have ever been. It was all or nothing, life or death. When Leo was on the ground, I-I just ignored the peas. I didn't show any compassion. I would have killed him if…if Mikey hadn't come by just in time.

I wipe something wet from my head and started to continue wallowing in my past.

Mikey saved both of us then. Leo was alive…for then, but Mikey or anyone else didn't always come around just in time. But that's just reality. I wish I could say that Leo and I took a chance to understand each other and we stopped constantly fighting, but that would be a lie.

I shift a little and make a rustling noise.

I wish I could pretend that my Sai didn't take my big bro's life, but again that would be wistful thinking. I remember Leo's eyes- how they looked when it happened. I remember how the life just left them leaving pain and misery in its place. I remember when he whispered that it's okay, he's sorry, and he forgives me. How could he forgive me for my action?

Something drips down my face. I can guess what it is. Instead of wiping it away, I continue with my tale.

I know that if it wasn't for her, I would have ended it then and there, but the thing is she did what she did. Why would a blessing from God love a beast like me? I wouldn't be able to tell you exactly how she fell into my life for one memory with another has become entangled. It's difficult now to try to find one end and distinguish it from a beginning. There's a lot more endings in my life then beginnings.

I wipe my face again. This time the tears are mixed with something else.

There is one time I remember that I hope I will never forget…

"_Raph"_

"_Mmmmm"_

"_I never want this to end." _

_I gently grabbed her by her waste and pressed against my body. I wrapped my arms around her. I never wanted to let her go. Mel leaned her head against his body. _

_I smiled and kissed Melanie, my Melanie. Truth be told I didn't want this to end, either. At that time, I wasn't thinking of Leo's death; I was thinking of our life together. _

However, in my life, I never can have any happiness. Something always must go wrong. It is just that I did not expect it at least not from him. I didn't think my Melanie would be slain by him, my brother.

I winch as my leg stings. I don't bother to stop the blood.

I remember that night so well… we were at our spot- a rooftop where you have a perfect view of the sunset. It seems that if I get distracted for a minute or turn away for a second, something goes horribly wrong. Kind of like it did that night.

I can feel the tears trickle down my cheek, mixing with something red.

I know people think I am a hot head, a maniac, or insensitive, but I they are wrong about my sensitivity. I can love; I can cry. I just don't show it like others do. Because I've cried before and I know I have loved: my bros, Master Splinter, and my Melanie. Oh, my Melanie, I didn't expect that- that my brother would murder the love of my life. I didn't think Donatello would kill Melanie. But there he was standing over her limp body with a satisfied expression on his face. That bastard killed her and ran away.

I shift my position against the stone wall. No matter what it'll be uncomfortable.

Now if I were really a hot head, I would have chased Don down and killed him. But how could I do that with Melanie laying there? My Melanie was dead.

My tears fall down unto my leg wound. I ignore them.

I remember looking into her eyes, seeing the life slowly drift away. I remember watching my only reason to live die. I remember the last words she whispered. How she said that she loved me. She unconditionally loved me. I remember then seeing her just-just let go and die.

Blood is mixed with tears, pain with emotion.

How long did I sit there holding her body? Minutes, hours, days, or years? I couldn't tell you because it seemed like a life time. How many times did I kiss her sweet face? Too many to count. How much anger did I hold against Don? I really couldn't answer that one for as much as I was angry, I remembered Leo. As weird as it sound, I forgive him. And how many times did I plead to a higher source for my Mel back? I lost count after a hundred.

I rub the stump on my left arm. I have been missing that hand for months now.

My life, as you can see, is filled with hardship and sadness, but no matter how much I plead no one will end it. I guess this is what karma is because when I was holding Melanie's body, some twisted scientist got the better of me. Now I'm looked up in a little dark room. I can only revisit my memories and wallow in self-pity. I wish that someone would have the compassion to just end my miserable existence, but maybe I deserve to suffer: I killed my own brother, Leo and It's practically my fault Mel was killed. My brothers need Leo, but they don't have him. Melanie deserved much better,, someone human for starters. I don't know why she would have loved me. Whenever I asked her how she could love a monster like me, she would ask "What monster?" and kiss me.

Someone is coming down the hall and by the sounds of it, they're heading my way. I hear a key in the lock and someone typing into a security lock. I brace myself by trying to look fierce. The door opens and the last two individuals I expect enter.

"Raph," Mikey whispers and he hesitantly walks over to my side. Don knelt down and undid the chains on my right wrist and ankles.

"Mikey, Don?" My voice comes out croaky and rough from lack of use. I cleared my throat. "Why," I asked?

Don eyes me warily. "We're brother no matter what happens. We forgive you for Leo. Do you forgive me?"

I bow my how and some blood drips to the ground. "You have no clue how much that hurt, but I do."

My life has always been hard. I lost my brother and the love of my life, but I know they would have wanted me to forgive.


End file.
